You are not who you think you are
**DISCLAIMER** this is not meant to offend anyone. i have many friends/lovers/family members who are tauruses. you guys are good people! i’m just not one of you…
On days where I am feeling moderately self-reflective, perhaps I had a fight with a friend or a family member, I often justify my behavior by blaming it on my zodiac sign. I am a Gemini, so I’m stubborn, moody and inconsistent. I mean, that is why zodiac signs were invented right? So that you never have to change. You were destined to be the way you are since the day you were born and there’s nothing you can do about it? Like no I dont have to change for so-and-so; we’re just not compatible astrologically.
Now, I find out that apparently the calendar that someone made up is wrong and I’m not actually a Gemini but a Taurus? WTF is up with that, Babylonians?! Now I am just having some serious identity-crisis. Everything I thought I knew about myself might be a lie. I also have a tainted view of Tauruses. Here is why:
1. I hate bulls. I’ve been to more bullfights than you can imagine. This is how it usually goes. For the first 3 bulls that are slaughtered, I am crying hysterically amidst a cloud of drunk Latinos clapping loudly and hooting and hollering. Then after the first 3 (there are 3 more), I get really into it, grab the drinking pouch, start chugging and then start yelling spanish obscenities, and a couple of olés. Its not a stereotype - you really do yell olé during a bullfight. So really its not so much that I hate bulls but that they confused me. How can in one moment, I feel sympathy towards the bull, I humanize it, I see it with a soul and then in another moment, I animalize it, look at it as a nuisance, as a wretched beast? The fucking bull, man. A fucking anomaly.
2. The Ford Taurus has got to be the ugliest car ever. I dont even have my license and even I know that car sucks.
3. Once I had an Australian au-pair named Judy when I was about 11. She was kind of butch and she would have loud scary rape sex with her Scottish sailor boyfriend. Then post-coital, they would give eachother tattoos just using sharp objects and my mother’s very expensive pen ink from Venice. One time she chased me around with the aforementioned sharp object, threatening to give me a tattoo. Guess what sign she was? Taurus
4. I don’t think I have ever met a pretty taurus. Inside nor out. But us geminis share our sign with the Olsen twins, Adriana Lima, Angelina Jolie and Brooke Shields to name a few.
5. The love of my life once asked me in his hippie, stoner voice, “What sign are you?” “Gemini” i responded. “Oh that why we’re so compatible.” And now what?! And NOW what?! Now I’m no longer compatible with the man of my dreams because the fucking Babylonians got it wrong.
Everything is different now. EVERYTHING. WHO AM I?!
I think we’re going to see an increase in mental institution patients.
read more:
http://gawker.com/5732115/your-zodiac-sign-may-have-changed?skyline=true&s=i
