The Day We Roller Disco’d and I Reallyyy Got Into Costume
Mia is a roller-blading diva. She’ll roll into parties - literally, with her blades on, then whip them off so that she can freely dance. She sometimes leaves them on. So it was only a natural progression that on her and Emily’s 24th B-Day Party, we would venture to Staten Island on a magic school bus to skance (skate dance) at the only standing roller rink in NYC.
Preparation took weeks. I mean, first I had to buy my costume.
Then I had to watch movies about roller discoing so I could understand the fad a little better. There are not many movies about roller discoing. But there is one movie that depicts the time pretty well: SkateTown USA; one of Patrick Swayze’s first film and the movie that put Marcia Brady back into rehab. Hollaaaa. Tagline: The Rock and Roller Disco Movie of the Year! I am sure they had a lot of competition….
Anyways, during the day I got ready with my main men, Max and Ian. Max looked like a rapist who finds his prey at sleazy dive bars (in a Canadian Tuxedo with an original leisure suit shirt), whilst Ian looked like a mix between a 90s vacationer and a 90s hippie.
To complete their looks, we had to buy the gel LA Looks. I tried to convince them to get “Wet Look Style” but they opted for “mega hold”. Mega lame, if you ask me.
Nothing like fucking gel that comes in different colors.
When we got to the pre-game location, we were disappointed to see that not everyone else had taken their costume as seriously. I was basically sacrificing my dignity by wearing a onesie that gave me an extreme wedgie and picking it out not so subtley. Yeah you bet I was a classy broad skating and picking my onesie out of my butt.
Anyways, we took a fucking SCHOOL BUS to RollerJam USA in Staten Island. The cool kids were obvi in the back. I tried to get people pumped by singing Disney Songs but my friend shut me up. I was in one of those moods where I know I’m being annoying but cant stop. It usually happens when I am really excited about something and am in costume.
When we arrived at our destination, I asked the dude at the entrance if everyone else dresses up. They don’t. As I walked in, I felt his eyes behind me and he called out “don’t worry, you will be veryyy popular.” Oh great, either I am going to be R’d on the dance floor or beat up by chicks.
I’ve been to Staten Island once before when I worked on a film the summer between Senior year of high school and freshman year of college. The kids in the neighborhood thought I was famous so I signed paper and wrote inspiring things like, “Keep reaching for the stars!” and “Be Cool! Stay in School!” Their mothers were hot latin women with fake tits, belly shirts and tattoos that said “Boriqua” or “sassy”. So that was basically my impression of Staten Island - kids who were not exposed to celebrity culture and hot trashy moms.
When we got there, we stood out like skinheads at a Wu-Tang concert. But we didn’t care. We started pounding pretty hard and got right into that rink. I started off with skates so I could take pics of my veryy vintage costume:
But roller-skating was actually harder than I thought so I got into roller-blades, which proved much easier. Everyone fell at least once; some people were mostly on the ground but no one judges at RollerJam USA. Except the regulars.
If I were to do superlatives for my friends, this is how it would go:
Most likely to fall: Alex G.
Most likely to end up with a huge bump/bruise: David Al
Most likely to be a hazard on the dance floor: Ian/Sam Murkofsky
Best Skancer: Nick R
Most stylish skater: Mia
Most likely to have a frontal and back wedgie: me (ugh)
The rink was pretty standard. The music was pretty horrendous. The crowd was middle-aged.
The highlight was when they put on a set of slow songs and these couples formulated and skate-grinded (skrinded) on the boogie floor, while Ian just weaved through them.
It was time to go home when a man waved a $20 at me.
The bus ride back got reallyyyy weird. I really cant go into details but I am sure if you are at my wedding in a few (15+) years, you will hear all about our rambunctious bus ride back.
